Rules For Women


If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

Men were born with a natural ability to
Fart, Swear, Consume copious amounts of alcohol,
play golf from 07:30 tee-off until 04:30 the next morning,
scratch our balls in public.

The morning after a dinner of Cabbage & Bacon and we take a dump
don't bitch use the spare toilet.

Women need men to procreate. We don't care about X and Y Chromosomes
as long as the package is delivered.

Shaving your patch is a turn-on. Deal with the itch.
We will assist in applying the anti-itch cream.

Farting in bed and holding your head under the duvet
can be construed as a national sport.

Pregnancy is just as tough for men .
for the first trimester nothing much needs to change it's just not as regular,
For the 2nd trimester it's less frequent and only Doggy style,
For the last trimester we have to practice coyote love
we sit in front of the hole and howl.

Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.

Don't cut your hair. Ever.
Long hair is always more attractive than short hair,
One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women
always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests
to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as navel lint,
the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.

Crying is blackmail.

Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.

Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work.
Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it.

No, we don't know what day it is. We never will.
Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult.
We're bound to miss sometimes.

Most guys own three pairs of shoes-what makes you think
we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty,
would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

Check your oil.

Fake it. We don't care as long as we dump our load.

It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
All comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways,
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.

Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

You can either ask us to do something OR
tell us how you want it done-not both.

Whenever possible,
please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses
lose their right to complain
about having their boobs stared at.
More women should wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses.
We like staring at boobs.

The relationship is never going to be like it was
in the first two months we were going out.

ALL men see in only 16 colours, like windows default settings.

Peach is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit.

If it itches, it will be scratched.

Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

If it's OUR house, I don't understand why MY stuff
gets thrown in the closet / attic /basement.

We're not mind readers and we never will be.

Our lack of mind-reading ability
is not proof of how little we care about you.

If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing,"
we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.

If we hear from an old girlfriend,
we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her.
But don't worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together.

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